Diligence on the brain

One thing that I've really been thinking about is diligence. It is super difficult for me to get motivated. Often times I find myself staring at my computer screen for a couple hours instead of doing a homework assignment or even just doing the dishes.

I used to call this disease College Kid Mono. I get tired very easily and can easily sleep for 3-5 hours in the middle of the day. But the more I think about it the more I realize it is more a problem that I have with diligence. I am efficient and very hard working (its difficult to not be when you grow up on a farm) but I struggle to motivate myself to take care of my responsibilities.

I am ashamed of the state of my apartment, and my grades. But mostly I'm ashamed of myself. Living alone has definitely helped me be MORE motivated, but it has also opened my eyes to the deep problems that I have. I can't blame a roommate for my laziness and I definitely can't blame anyone else for my problems. No more running away for me....

I'm standing still....and taking a look around. With my new independent outlook on life, I want a new focus as well. So here goes nothing. Time to stop and pick some daisies :)

This was a really wonderful break, I designed a new possibility for a tattoo representing my strength and my weakness.
I love skulls, I have always been attracted to darker things. Not the occult, but something deeper than that. I'm a positive person and I love to live (live to love ;)) but there are two sides to everyone... I recognize the sin in my life and dark in my life. And I think that's what this tattoo represents. My meloncholy little skully with a little beauty perched upon her head :)

It was an interesting Spring Break, but now it's back to the daily grind. I'm excited to have a little bit of structure in my life again. Its fun to have a break but the ADD doesn't allow me to function well in that setting. So the 9-5 begins again...WOOT!

I'm feeling a little lost

I don't want to do this anymore....the break-up healing process is trying to kill me I think.

I have a friend (lets call him R). And R tells me that I'm taking everything like a pro. And to the world around me I believe that I am taking this all like a pro. But each night when I lay down for bed I can't help but let him run through my brain a few times. Or I'll get on Facebook and see that one of our mutual friends changed their Facebook pic to one of the two of them.

I am a strong, independent woman. I'm a total badass. At least that's what I want everyone else to think. When will I find someone who can understand me for who I really am? And not project their demands on my personality? There's a song by Mika called "Stuck in the Middle". The chorus goes

Is there anybody home,

who will believe me,
won't deceive me, won't try to change me.
Is there anybody home,
who wants to have me just to love me,
stuck in the middle.

I am not strong, not every day. I am not independent not all the time. I need to lean on the people around me and the people nearest me (i've found) that let me confide in them and support me! Those are the keepers. I love them! I hope one day someone will see that and want that. Until then. I'm taking one day at a time. And it hurts less today than it did tomorrow...I think I see a light at the end of this tunnel.


***** I don't know why but I tend to dwell in the past at times...i've watched videos of him from time to time to remind myself....and in all honesty it puts me in physical pain to see him....