Inching

Ever feel like stress is going to eat you alive? I've been able to handle stress all my life, taking it an inch at a time, but right now I may lose my grip. Usually when my stress levels get really high i have some sort of major medical problem. Blackouts, bursting organs, inflamed stomach linings; you name it I've had probably had it. I'm just waiting for the next hospital visit.

I'm trying to be as candid as humanly possible today. I've never really set a purpose to my blog but I guess it's just to be real with myself. I'm not great at getting my emotions out there unless you know me quite well, so this is a place that I can be real with myself. So if I'm being honest...I'm upset right now. There are very few things going right for me these days. And to make myself feel better I'm going to list those....

1. My boyfriend G. He's a wonderful guy and makes me so content and happy that some days I almost forget about all the crappy stuff.
2. My friend K - She has been nothing but supportive and candid with me. Giving me more hope than I've had in weeks.
3. My new tattoo - well worth the wait and the pain, the most beautiful and most personal tattoo I have ever gotten. (will post a picture of it and document my experience asap)

In spite of all that good, why do tears find my eyes so easily these days? Rejection and ignorance meet me around every corner. Even my faith doesn't seem to be right anymore.

Something my tattoo artist said during my session yesterday really got me. We were discussing life in general and the different stages it takes. She said that the most life changing years are the ones between leaving the nest (for college or just moving out of your parents house in general) until you start your own family. Those are the years that shape you and mold the person you will be. Who am I being molded into?

The Final Stretch!

The race is coming to an end and I can barely believe how intense this last semester has been. I'm down to a week of school left. Around this time tomorrow a week from now I'll officially be on summer vacation! And then I have about 2 weeks until I start my summer course :(. I'm so tired, I don't seem to sleep at night anymore (which has been fun let me tell you).

I think the most exciting thing about this summer is my next tattoo! I have officially scheduled tattoo number 7! I am certain I will catalog the experience here for you. The basic idea is a tree in the late fall. It's going to be beautiful! I'm so excited! (I also got my tragus pierced this week....!!)

I received work study for the summer so I'll be chopping down my hours at the Sub machine and working part time at the school. I'm excited because this means that I can get some day time hours. Instead of working at night and every weekend....blah.

I haven't been blogging about my counseling sessions because I don't know how relevant they are anymore. I think I just had a few things to think through....I'm going to be ok...more than ok... I'm gonna be terrific! So here's to the summer! And great friends!

Diligence on the brain

One thing that I've really been thinking about is diligence. It is super difficult for me to get motivated. Often times I find myself staring at my computer screen for a couple hours instead of doing a homework assignment or even just doing the dishes.

I used to call this disease College Kid Mono. I get tired very easily and can easily sleep for 3-5 hours in the middle of the day. But the more I think about it the more I realize it is more a problem that I have with diligence. I am efficient and very hard working (its difficult to not be when you grow up on a farm) but I struggle to motivate myself to take care of my responsibilities.

I am ashamed of the state of my apartment, and my grades. But mostly I'm ashamed of myself. Living alone has definitely helped me be MORE motivated, but it has also opened my eyes to the deep problems that I have. I can't blame a roommate for my laziness and I definitely can't blame anyone else for my problems. No more running away for me....

I'm standing still....and taking a look around. With my new independent outlook on life, I want a new focus as well. So here goes nothing. Time to stop and pick some daisies :)

This was a really wonderful break, I designed a new possibility for a tattoo representing my strength and my weakness.
I love skulls, I have always been attracted to darker things. Not the occult, but something deeper than that. I'm a positive person and I love to live (live to love ;)) but there are two sides to everyone... I recognize the sin in my life and dark in my life. And I think that's what this tattoo represents. My meloncholy little skully with a little beauty perched upon her head :)

It was an interesting Spring Break, but now it's back to the daily grind. I'm excited to have a little bit of structure in my life again. Its fun to have a break but the ADD doesn't allow me to function well in that setting. So the 9-5 begins again...WOOT!

Graffiti on the walls of my life

I'm finding a lot of happiness around me this week. Yesterday I took work off and went to Sufu to be with my friends. My younger sister, her boyfriend and three of my gay friends all happened to have work off. So after my first class I sped down to the big city and met my daddy for lunch. After lunch I met up with my sister and I took her on her first trip to a Pron Shop (for those of you who don't know what Pron is, switch the o and the r). She spent most of the trip blushing. After words we went to the tattoo parlor to get my latest tattoo finished. Below is a picture of the finish product. DYA are my grandmother's initials.
After this we met up with our gay friends for supper! And let me tell you, conversations with them are the most interesting ever! I felt absolutely surrounded by them! My friend C is the best, he and I were the third wheels of the group so we just pretended to be together. And let me tell you, it was much needed cuddle time. After I started getting super tired I took off for my apartment and had an amazing conversation with a new friend (we'll call him J). I'm finding out that there are definitely some pretty great guys out there. They aren't all duds.

You might be curious why I entitled my post "Graffiti on the wall of my life." Every time that I see a bit of graffiti on a wall somewhere or a picture it makes my heart lift a little. I find it encouraging that amidst all of the chaos of a city someone has managed to find an outlet for their feelings and share it with me and millions of others. So I consider my friends my graffiti. When I least expect, in the middle of the chaos that is my life, they show me how much I am loved and appreciated.

If you are my friend (or family member) and in the last 6 weeks you have shown me how much you care about me; thank you! You have blessed me more completely than I could have hope for. Loves you <3



Stage "Bitter" complete