Don't cry over spilt creativity...

I feel that as of late I have been just oozing creative juice. (not to mention neglecting my blogger duties). I think in less than a month I've produced several drawings and a handful of paintings. And that is not even counting the ones I have planned for my near future. Sometimes I wonder why no one pushed me harder into Art. I'm no master by any means....and I couldn't touch my friend Ames with a 40 foot pole in the art Dept. But I find it like a breath of fresh air to put paint to a canvas or a pencil to paper. When I finish and my knees are cramped from sitting still so long I feel like I've released some kind of evil onto the canvas and it's trapped there forever and can never return to my body. Consider art to be my yoga. Instead of stretching I brush, instead of the standing dog position I have acrylics and charcoals. Most recently I went to Michael's art supplies. I haven't been there since I was very small. I know this because in my memory i remember Michael's as this huge art store crammed to the busting point with paper flowers, foam and paint. Going there several years later I find my initial impression wasn't far off. Except it isn't huge, it's tiny and crammed to the brim.

The other day I felt that ooze starting to spill out and so I grabbed my new paint from Michael's and a brand new canvas and let it spill out. what I got was boring and random, but I signed it and went to bed. Next day I looked at the canvas again...turned it upside down and grabbed a second canvas and begain sketching...after a few more dabs of paint out oozed this. I'm in love with it, abstract though it is.

I think that some day someone might buy a painting of mine, but as of right now....I'm signing up for oil paint classes.... I don't want to be famous...I just want that sweet oozey release!

NaNoWriMo

I have decided to write a novel. I know I know, why add more stress to my life? Well here's why.
1. It has been a life long goal of mine to write a book. I spent many hours as a kid reading books and escaping through them. I want to give something back to the literature community.
2. To give myself something to be distracted by. With all the stress in my life I need a little distraction from my bank account the growing 'in' pile of my homework.
3. Goals are AWESOME!

Tomorrow is when National Novel Writing Month begins. I doubt I'll keep much up here, because I barely have time to write here as it is. When I'm writing around 2000 words a day I'll be even less inclined to write here. But I don't want you to think I'm abandoning you. So in case i can't find the time to post regularly here feel free to check up on my novel's status.

This is the link to my author's page -----> Krisken

The premise for the book is Fantasy, and I would classify it as adolescent lit.

Wish me luck! 50,000 words to go! Ready, set, go!

Inching

Ever feel like stress is going to eat you alive? I've been able to handle stress all my life, taking it an inch at a time, but right now I may lose my grip. Usually when my stress levels get really high i have some sort of major medical problem. Blackouts, bursting organs, inflamed stomach linings; you name it I've had probably had it. I'm just waiting for the next hospital visit.

I'm trying to be as candid as humanly possible today. I've never really set a purpose to my blog but I guess it's just to be real with myself. I'm not great at getting my emotions out there unless you know me quite well, so this is a place that I can be real with myself. So if I'm being honest...I'm upset right now. There are very few things going right for me these days. And to make myself feel better I'm going to list those....

1. My boyfriend G. He's a wonderful guy and makes me so content and happy that some days I almost forget about all the crappy stuff.
2. My friend K - She has been nothing but supportive and candid with me. Giving me more hope than I've had in weeks.
3. My new tattoo - well worth the wait and the pain, the most beautiful and most personal tattoo I have ever gotten. (will post a picture of it and document my experience asap)

In spite of all that good, why do tears find my eyes so easily these days? Rejection and ignorance meet me around every corner. Even my faith doesn't seem to be right anymore.

Something my tattoo artist said during my session yesterday really got me. We were discussing life in general and the different stages it takes. She said that the most life changing years are the ones between leaving the nest (for college or just moving out of your parents house in general) until you start your own family. Those are the years that shape you and mold the person you will be. Who am I being molded into?

Nature of the Beast

Ok, this post is a tid bit I posted in a discussion forum for my Media Studies class this semester. I thought this part of a lecture by Plato was very thought provoking....

It reads--->

"in all of us, even in good men, there is a lawless wild-beast nature, which peers out in sleep."

This reminds me of what a lot of Christians believe; the nature of all men being evil. That we start out from birth as sinners and are then cleansed only by Christ's blood if we choose it. Before there was us and there was just Adam and Eve, we were pure; because God made us to be that way. But after Eve had to be all gullible and things, we are born into sin, in a sinful world.

It also reminds me of xbox game Fable 2 (I have been playing it lately so its on my mind). The main character can choose whether or not he/she wants to be good or evil. But it is significantly more difficult in the game to be good. Your quests are harder, it takes more work to make the villagers like you, etc. But if you want to be evil all you have to do is turn the safety off and kill a couple of villagers or refuse to give someone something they ask you to find for them. There is even a quote from the loading screen that asks if you can really fore go the sinful pleasures Albion (the name of the game world) has to offer.

So....

Is evil a choice or purely the nature of humanity?

And if our nature as humans is "a lawless wild-beast" then is it easier to be as we are born to be (evil) or on the other hand more difficult to fight our nature and be good?

what I want

So much has been happening in the last few weeks. I have moved to a new town and a new apartment and I'm so very happy that I'm finally making a decision based on what "I" want. I want to be closer to my family, and I want to live closer to my boyfriend. I think I am finally, FINALLY, getting a life (Scott Pilgrim style).

For a very long time (i would say my entire life but i don't want to sound dramatic :P ) I have lived by my parents rules, the rules of my church or school or even my friends rules. But something inside me told me that I need to start doing things the way that I want to do them. I can't spend all my time trying to make everyone else happy, because it's impossible, and I will never achieve that. But something that I can do is make me happy. It sounds so selfish when I type it here. Like I'm all about me, but every once in awhile I think that it's important that you make a little room for yourself in your life.

Now, bring me that horizon....

T.F.

tempus fugit - time is a slut...she does everybody

It's been one of those creative weeks. I've written a poem and painted 3 times! Sometimes I don't know where it comes from. I don't feel like this all the time, but there are days that I'll absolutely burst if i don't write or draw my feelings out on a page.

Yesterday was the most beautiful storm. I could feel each burst of lightning race through me. It was intense, and my emotions were running high. Sometimes I just can't help but go outside and stand under the rain. It makes me feel new and fresh.

One thing that has been running through my head as of late are the words Tempus Fugit ( i can feel a tattoo idea coming on). Time flies...because it does. It doesn't feel like 7 months ago that I was broken....But at the same time I feel so alive and different now that I couldn't even explain how it happened or when for that matter. Every part of me races at the idea of it, like lightning. I can't wait to see what happens....not knowing is all part of the journey....

Newness

Everything is different now. It's hard to explain. I was really broken before. But I've met someone. The best someone. Let's call him G. He's sort of a friend of a friend of a friend. But he's a geek...like me. When we first met, all we talked about were movies and comic books, and then one night we just had to meet. So he drove all the way to my apartment in the middle of the night and we watched Aladdin. It was so simple, like we were old friends...old friends that were nervous to meet.

The last month has been so peaceful. I know there's a lot more that needs to heal inside me. But I think with G holding me, I'll find a way to mend it.

Other than that awesomeness, there is nothing much to tell. I turned 24. I was really anxious for my birthday, not in the good way, but in the way that makes you wanna stop time. But it turned out to be the best birthday yet. I'm grateful for all the newness in my life, and the surprises. I hope that I keep on getting surprises....